Remember what it felt like when you were a kid and you would get so involved in something? You'd be so gung-ho about it and you'd talk it up to all the other kids. You'd triumphantly yell "yeah, we can do this! LET'S GO." You'd take off running and get a little ways only to turn around and realize that you're running by yourself. It left you confused and upset; you spoke so passionately about what could be and how you saw it happening in your head, but no one else saw it that way.

Imagine that happening at 26. Between only you and one other person.

Sometimes, I feel like I try so hard to get nothing but pain in return. It's a terrible feeling and it leaves me with a broken heart.

I know some people think "oh, just change it then," but it's so much more complicated than that. There's so much invested here..

My profile description says:

A 25 year old who's trying to find the love of life again.

I can officially change that to "a 26 year old who's trying to find the love of life again," though.

I guess it kind of hit me as ironic that I wrote that almost a year ago because I don't remember writing that or feeling wise at the time that I typed it into the box. I read it just a few minutes ago and was like "holy crap, 25 year old Kayla.. that's how I feel right now and I'm 26!"

One of my friends told me today that she feels like I've changed so much since she met me and that it's been a really positive change. To me, I don't feel like I've changed. I'm still a selfish and stubborn brat. I still haven't found something that I can grab a hold to and be completely passionate about. I feel like I've taken three step backward and that I'm never going to be able to take a step forward. Every time I feel like I've got my life together and I've found a passion, my heart is broken by one thing or another and I end up feeling completely lost and defeated.

I feel so defeated right now. So depressed with the way I'm living my life. I have so many blessings in my life that I've taken advantage of and now it's too late to hold on to some of them. I'm 26 and I still manage to take great things and turn them into horrible things. I hurt those I love and don't accept that until it's too late to try to fix.

Right now, I want to give up. I want to stay curled up in my bed with my teddy bears and stare at the ceiling. At the same time, I want to get on the treadmill and run until I pass out. Scratch that. No I don't. I hate running.. even though I'm about to go run.

I'm just so lost and confused right now. I thought I was on the right path in life and, yet again, I've been thrown for a loop and I'm not sure which way is up and which way is down. I'm tired, hurt, and fed up all at once. 

Is it too much to ask to be happy?

Blissfully and un-ashamedly happy?

Make other people hate you because you're so happy.

That's all I want, universe. I want to find my happiness, hold on to it, and never let it go again.

Can you throw a girl a bone?

Clearly my NYE resolution to keep a 365 day online journal has absolutely failed.

Big surprise with me, eh?

Anyone who knows me knows that I clearly have commitment issues in a lot of areas and specifically when it comes to online journals. I'm just not that interesting of a person and I feel like I usually turn these into one fat complaint about this or that. Who wants to read that kind of stuff? I'm literally not crafty (anymore). I don't have a fantastic fitness regime (ask my boyfriend, he'll tell you straight out what he thinks about that). I don't bake or cook. I'm literally the most boring person to be reading about.

With that being said, I have two followers. Two followers who I have known for years and who will be there to give words of courage and support if I need it.

So with THAT being said, it's my blog and if I want to turn it into one big complaint, I will. If I want to blog every 40 days, I will. It's my life, I'll do what I want, eh?



As much as I want to start typing up a storm, I just have nothing to say.

So, until next time.

01/05/2014

So, it's only 5 days into the year and I haven't blogged once. I guess it could be worse.

This year, like I stated in my previous post, is about focusing on myself and learning to love me and learn how to improve myself. I think one of the main things I struggle with is patience. I don't handle slow things well, I don't appreciate people who ask obvious questions, and I hate sitting still for longer than 5 minutes. I've been impatient my whole life.

I've decided to try and find a word to focus on each month of this year. January's word, if you haven't guessed just yet, will be patience. I hope to be able to find ways to focus and better myself each month by picking a word that is something I need to improve on. I'll try to find quotes on patience that I will share or find Bible verses that speak of patience. I most definitely will try to practice patience in my every day world.

Please pray for me and encourage me as I start my journey to become a better and more patient person.

12/29/2013

Nothing good ever comes out of me being alone because my mind starts racing and I start thinking about the most random things. This week, it's been about why I am the way I am.

A new year starts on Wednesday so naturally I started thinking about what resolutions I wanted to make; lose weight, be a better person, love myself, save money.. "Whoa. Did I really just say 'love myself?'" And bam, that's when the over-thinking started.

Essentially, if I'm being entirely honest with myself, I don't like myself. If I do, it's in a very small amount. I'm selfish, lazy and have stopped being the girl who loved life 110%. I feel like I've just been going through the motions lately and I've been failing at that too.

There's so many things I need to work on this year with the biggest being that I need to learn to love myself. I think a lot of things that bother me about myself revolves back to the not loving myself.

In 2014, I want to focus on me. I want to take stupid selfies when I feel pretty and I want to learn to believe in myself so I can believe that I can lose weight and do good in school instead of just half assing everything. I want to hold myself accountable with this blog by blogging everyday and focusing on the good and bad of the day. I want to be a better friend, daughter and girlfriend. I want to love my boyfriend until it feels like my heart is going to explode and put him and his needs before mine. I want to be selfless and loving. I want to read more books. I want to dance when it's inappropriate and sing every song I hear.

Beginning on Wednesday, I want to love myself and my life 110%.