A 25 year old who's trying to find the love of life again.
I can officially change that to "a 26 year old who's trying to find the love of life again," though.
I guess it kind of hit me as ironic that I wrote that almost a year ago because I don't remember writing that or feeling wise at the time that I typed it into the box. I read it just a few minutes ago and was like "holy crap, 25 year old Kayla.. that's how I feel right now and I'm 26!"
One of my friends told me today that she feels like I've changed so much since she met me and that it's been a really positive change. To me, I don't feel like I've changed. I'm still a selfish and stubborn brat. I still haven't found something that I can grab a hold to and be completely passionate about. I feel like I've taken three step backward and that I'm never going to be able to take a step forward. Every time I feel like I've got my life together and I've found a passion, my heart is broken by one thing or another and I end up feeling completely lost and defeated.
I feel so defeated right now. So depressed with the way I'm living my life. I have so many blessings in my life that I've taken advantage of and now it's too late to hold on to some of them. I'm 26 and I still manage to take great things and turn them into horrible things. I hurt those I love and don't accept that until it's too late to try to fix.
Right now, I want to give up. I want to stay curled up in my bed with my teddy bears and stare at the ceiling.
I'm just so lost and confused right now. I thought I was on the right path in life and, yet again, I've been thrown for a loop and I'm not sure which way is up and which way is down. I'm tired, hurt, and fed up all at once.
Is it too much to ask to be happy?
Blissfully and un-ashamedly happy?
Make other people hate you because you're so happy.
That's all I want, universe. I want to find my happiness, hold on to it, and never let it go again.
Can you throw a girl a bone?
